This is all of my tale I can remember. Wisps and shadows cling to my mind, alarming me with persistence, torturing me with hope. I cannot give them form, substance. All I recall are Miru's bewitching eyes, her beckoning hand.
And then nothing. Something has happened. I must be - what?
How many times have I played through the events? How often have I wondered if I am awake, or alive, at all? Where is Lucifer? Where am I? What am I?
I can't seem to find myself. My soul is just out of reach, behind a veil of existence. If I could only remember - only tell how long I've been trapped inside my own mind. But even this knowledge is lost to me.
This is my life now. A puzzle with every piece missing. Was I ever Samael? Or Jerek? Did I finally kill the Hermit, or was the one who did this to me?
I may never know. Beyond a terrible, guilty feeling that I am responsible for something truly horrific, and the story I've told you, I have nothing left of myself.
I do, however, have one more story.
I doubt this story is mine. Where all of myself is vague, these events are as crisp and sure as their subject. Is he a figment of my imagination? A relic of my past? Or is he my future? Dare I hope - my redemption?
All I can do is watch, and wait.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
An Epic Tale - 19. Waiting
It was Miru's wish that I meet her father, but the servants told us he could not be disturbed.
"Important business, I'm sure," Miru told me, with a particularly intoxicating dimpled smile. "We shall see him tomorrow."
But the next day I did not meet Miru's father, nor again the day after that. After some weeks it occurred to me to wonder if there was a master of the house at all.
Not that I had much time for idle thoughts. Every morning I was dragged from my bed by an elderly domestic called Mildred, who bathed and dressed me despite my most vigorous protestations. I was then rushed off to Miru, who with a look dissolved any lingering resentment. She took my hand and we breakfasted together. Then she would always gasp, realizing there was some new part of the house she had to show me.
Not that I trusted her. I was not that naive. Still, what harm could it do to follow? I had so much power. If I had to, I could kill her with a thought.
But I didn't want to. Even Lucifer had to admit, her home was fascinating. For the first week, whenever Miru showed me something new, he drew a map behind my eyes, keeping everything straight so I would know if I had to escape. He stopped when he realized the layout was impossible - some rooms would have to occupy three or four places at once.
"We should run," he whispered darkly. But I didn't run.
"Important business, I'm sure," Miru told me, with a particularly intoxicating dimpled smile. "We shall see him tomorrow."
But the next day I did not meet Miru's father, nor again the day after that. After some weeks it occurred to me to wonder if there was a master of the house at all.
Not that I had much time for idle thoughts. Every morning I was dragged from my bed by an elderly domestic called Mildred, who bathed and dressed me despite my most vigorous protestations. I was then rushed off to Miru, who with a look dissolved any lingering resentment. She took my hand and we breakfasted together. Then she would always gasp, realizing there was some new part of the house she had to show me.
Not that I trusted her. I was not that naive. Still, what harm could it do to follow? I had so much power. If I had to, I could kill her with a thought.
But I didn't want to. Even Lucifer had to admit, her home was fascinating. For the first week, whenever Miru showed me something new, he drew a map behind my eyes, keeping everything straight so I would know if I had to escape. He stopped when he realized the layout was impossible - some rooms would have to occupy three or four places at once.
"We should run," he whispered darkly. But I didn't run.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A Prayer
Today is my day. This moment is my moment. I can make of this day whatever I choose. All roads ahead are open to me. I will take advantage of this moment to get me closer to my dreams. I will act with integrity, purpose, and thought. I will not allow myself to be defined by others, nor force another to be defined by me. My thoughts are my own. My will is my own. My heart is my own. So it has always been. So it shall always be.
Updates coming soon, hopefully.
Updates coming soon, hopefully.
An Epic Tale - 18. Vision
She took my hand, and I was in another place.
It was dark. It was cold. A full moon was hanging over the sky. In the distance, I could hear someone shouting. Someone laughing. Someone crying.
Then I was gone, and there was a city. I saw men tearing great stones out of the earth, and buildings grow up from them. Then the men were dead, and the buildings were being torn down. I saw ghoulish monsters pluck babies from their cradles, and dash their brains out on the street.
The sun set, and I knew it would never rise again.
"Are you all right?"
The girl - Miru - was staring down at me. I must have fallen. Her hair hung about her face. She looked at me with a certain curiosity - less concerned than confused.
"I'm fine," I said. I took her hand and she pulled me to my feet. "What happened?"
"You fell," she said. "But then you got up."
"And now I'm fine," I agreed.
Was she actually afraid of me?
"She should be," whispered the voice in my head. "That was a powerful curse she laid on you. You're lucky I still find it useful to have you around."
I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. It serves me right, I thought. Trusting girls only leads to trouble.
"Too true," said Lucifer. And for the first time I did not doubt his sincerity.
It was dark. It was cold. A full moon was hanging over the sky. In the distance, I could hear someone shouting. Someone laughing. Someone crying.
Then I was gone, and there was a city. I saw men tearing great stones out of the earth, and buildings grow up from them. Then the men were dead, and the buildings were being torn down. I saw ghoulish monsters pluck babies from their cradles, and dash their brains out on the street.
The sun set, and I knew it would never rise again.
"Are you all right?"
The girl - Miru - was staring down at me. I must have fallen. Her hair hung about her face. She looked at me with a certain curiosity - less concerned than confused.
"I'm fine," I said. I took her hand and she pulled me to my feet. "What happened?"
"You fell," she said. "But then you got up."
"And now I'm fine," I agreed.
Was she actually afraid of me?
"She should be," whispered the voice in my head. "That was a powerful curse she laid on you. You're lucky I still find it useful to have you around."
I opened my mouth. Then I closed it again. It serves me right, I thought. Trusting girls only leads to trouble.
"Too true," said Lucifer. And for the first time I did not doubt his sincerity.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
An Epic Tale - 17. The Threshold
When the answer came, it was not, as I expected, some aged caretaker or hired domestic servant. It was a girl. A very pretty girl, in fact. A little younger than me, with black curls that framed her face just so. She looked me up and down, and I felt a rush of old, familiar anxiety - something I'd thought I had lost.
"Spare me," the voice said, and at once a bitter coldness pushed my feeling aside. I looked the girl in the eyes.
"Whose house is this?" I demanded. "I have traveled long and far, and I would speak to the master."
In her face, I saw a flicker of .. something. Was it anger? Curiosity? Excitement? Not that it mattered. I was hard as stone. Indifferent.
"This is Master Rohn's house," she said. "My name is Miru Rohn. May I ask where you come from?"
"You may call me Samael," I said, "and I come from -"
I stopped. My throat constricted. I could not get the words to escape my lips. Something was binding me, restraining my will by controlling my body.
"From where?" the girl asked. I strained with all my might, railing against the invisible barrier that kept me silently staring. In my mind I was screaming. Riverbed, Riverbend! I come from Riverbend! Yet the words remained locked away behind my eyes.
"Rage if you must," the voice whispered, "but in this much I can control you. Your strength would be better spent elsewhere."
"It does not matter where I come from," I said slowly. "I have left it behind me for good. Now I am here to ask for hospitality."
"Let me take you to my father." There was that spark again - the creeping edge of a smile. "He will know what to do."
"Spare me," the voice said, and at once a bitter coldness pushed my feeling aside. I looked the girl in the eyes.
"Whose house is this?" I demanded. "I have traveled long and far, and I would speak to the master."
In her face, I saw a flicker of .. something. Was it anger? Curiosity? Excitement? Not that it mattered. I was hard as stone. Indifferent.
"This is Master Rohn's house," she said. "My name is Miru Rohn. May I ask where you come from?"
"You may call me Samael," I said, "and I come from -"
I stopped. My throat constricted. I could not get the words to escape my lips. Something was binding me, restraining my will by controlling my body.
"From where?" the girl asked. I strained with all my might, railing against the invisible barrier that kept me silently staring. In my mind I was screaming. Riverbed, Riverbend! I come from Riverbend! Yet the words remained locked away behind my eyes.
"Rage if you must," the voice whispered, "but in this much I can control you. Your strength would be better spent elsewhere."
"It does not matter where I come from," I said slowly. "I have left it behind me for good. Now I am here to ask for hospitality."
"Let me take you to my father." There was that spark again - the creeping edge of a smile. "He will know what to do."
Monday, February 9, 2009
An Epic Tale - 16. The Estate
"This is what I will do," I said to no one. "I will walk out of this forest and go to the first habitation I can find. If they grant me hospitality, I will accept it, repay the favor as best I can, and be on my way. If they should refuse me, I will kill them all."
I had spent the night huddled in a ball on the forest floor. To my surprise, I had awoken refreshed, as though all of my pain and trauma had been washed away. It was good to be alive, and I was. It was good to be strong, and I was.
The world around me was still completely silent, yet somehow it no longer bothered me. I was freed by my aloneness. What future the forest once held, was no locked inside me. Mine to do with as I wished.
When at last I left the corpse of the woods behind, I was sad to see it go. In a sense, the forest had given birth to me. I was its child as much as my human mother's. I wondered what she would say if I saw her again.
I did not let myself think about that for long.
The first house I came to was an estate at the top of a hill. I could hardly have picked a more grandiose location to start my work. I felt certain what I would find there - an aging absentee landlord, trusting his fortune to a dishonest caretaker, who would, of course, refuse me hospitality unless he saw a profit in me.
It was a long trudge up the hill to the master's house. Snow lay softly on the ground, but I imagined that in the summer months the land would be covered with the sweat of laborers, breaking their backs for the master's gain. My footsteps crunched as I walked.
It occurred to me to wonder why I no longer felt the cold. Perhaps it had something to do with my newfound powers, but perhaps not. I had heard that people who froze to death often lost the ability to tell. Should I hope that this was one more side effect of Lucifer's hold on me? I did not welcome that much connection with the way I felt.
At last I knocked upon the door. I ran through the plan one more time in my head.
Either they invite me in, and I repay them, or they rebuff me and I kill them, I thought. It's best this way. I will teach them a lesson.
I waited for someone to open the door.
I had spent the night huddled in a ball on the forest floor. To my surprise, I had awoken refreshed, as though all of my pain and trauma had been washed away. It was good to be alive, and I was. It was good to be strong, and I was.
The world around me was still completely silent, yet somehow it no longer bothered me. I was freed by my aloneness. What future the forest once held, was no locked inside me. Mine to do with as I wished.
When at last I left the corpse of the woods behind, I was sad to see it go. In a sense, the forest had given birth to me. I was its child as much as my human mother's. I wondered what she would say if I saw her again.
I did not let myself think about that for long.
The first house I came to was an estate at the top of a hill. I could hardly have picked a more grandiose location to start my work. I felt certain what I would find there - an aging absentee landlord, trusting his fortune to a dishonest caretaker, who would, of course, refuse me hospitality unless he saw a profit in me.
It was a long trudge up the hill to the master's house. Snow lay softly on the ground, but I imagined that in the summer months the land would be covered with the sweat of laborers, breaking their backs for the master's gain. My footsteps crunched as I walked.
It occurred to me to wonder why I no longer felt the cold. Perhaps it had something to do with my newfound powers, but perhaps not. I had heard that people who froze to death often lost the ability to tell. Should I hope that this was one more side effect of Lucifer's hold on me? I did not welcome that much connection with the way I felt.
At last I knocked upon the door. I ran through the plan one more time in my head.
Either they invite me in, and I repay them, or they rebuff me and I kill them, I thought. It's best this way. I will teach them a lesson.
I waited for someone to open the door.
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